here and now and then
Back in Madrid.
It 's weird, it's as if I'd never gone away. The days in Italy were suspended inside a parenthesis of reality - this . The only time it was really intense when I saw the view from the terrace of the beloved Spirit: my city I had never seemed so beautiful.
one thing is certain: how desperately I miss the mountains. Having a nearby forest is crucial for me. I never lived so far away from the corner of naturaleza and I feel that something is missing. Everything is too artificial to think that we can years resist the smell and the silence of the woods.
recall with nostalgia a poignant that whole summer night spent watching the sky slowly faded in the day ... and the clearing mist that rained from larch sleepy. I was so excited that I did not even cold. The forest seemed to call me with a whisper thin despertarse - verb qué tan bonito! - And I enjoyed those moments as a nymph underground.
Now that winter is going to the mountains I do not miss demasiado, to walk hours on the ice, only to get into a warm shelter and give me a hot bath while it's snowing outside ... dine in a dressing gown (game, cheese, good wine Quizas) and toast the new year in front of the fireplace wearing only champagne.
Vale, this is a fantasy a bit 'more refined than the true spirit of mountain, I left drag instinct quota - and had a brief chat recently with my boyfriend. But deep down, I realize that more and more the years go by the mountain attracts me like a siren. Here at home, fortunately we have some 'wood, parquet, las vigas ... but it is not, of course, the same thing. Already I'm shuddering to climb up on some green grass or trail next summer, and listen to the thrills of the woods at dawn or the arrogance of the wind on lonely ridges. I almost like a premonition, I feel a bit of desire to climb. But this will also of the courage that do not currently have. If the prospect
then thins and squinting to see farther, well ... there is a house whose chimney smoke in winter, and a small garden (least!) with a bed, on which he leans on a balcony overlooking a room large enough for a sofa, a cot and a cat.
When I think back to me many years ago, I wonder how my dreams have changed. Today I feel that after the trip I want to take me away, the strongest desire is to return, to stop and grow. They are like a seed that vague with the breeze and knows that his destiny is to take root, even if you miss the flight.
When I was sixteen and I was a shadow shrank almost everything, the thought of motherhood made me disgusted, embarrassed. Bring a stranger within me screaming from which then would depend on my whole life seemed an aberration with no appeal. Now continues to seem that, because basically have not changed much ... but in the meantime of attractions it has acquired a bit '.
Nothing in the world is stronger feelings for someone. They can be fleeting, they may end, may not be as deep as we thought, but when there are no job satisfaction or cultural recognition that can compete. This awareness is what is directing my choices hare some time. First aspired to a certain kind of visibility, I had dreams of glory, if I may say so ... Now I fear he would do for me. I open like a flower only if I feel love around me, and I give it. Everything else is subordinated to this.
Perhaps my weakness is, wanting the love of others is sometimes referred to lack of love for oneself. But I know that there is a balance in the flow of the two feelings, and I want to reach. I want to grow children and show them what I believe is right and good because one day they can do the same with anyone encounter on their journey. I wonder if I want because I am not able myself to live up to my principles. Maybe for us humans to have children is also a way to make good parents that we had in those (for me) little things that we missed ... and is a dangerous illusion, because our children will not be like us and not want what we want.
Maybe you want a child when our choices seem to us now made, and its yet to come, a child is the wildcard that is ours when all other occasions they have had (and perhaps lost) their time.
Even for a small part of me is so, but then, paranoia aside, I suppose that the desire for motherhood is basically a physiological ancestral heritage, that a quarter of a century is hard to ignore despite the current laxity of our procreative rich North-West.
Finally, puede que mi madre me dijo cuando tuviera Razón that once you have found the right person I started to want to live together, make us the children and so on. I do not know if the current one is the right person, but I know what I feel about her makes me wish that my children are also his.
course before all this I must see the world, as they say. There are still too many places where I have not set foot, from the rest of the continents on the planet. I have yet to see South America, St. Petersburg, Ayers Rock, a lesser panda in its natural habitat ... and then there's the British island, Budapest, Istanbul and sophisticated to return to Berlin. My children will know that the more places you visit and how many more conoscono culture if both più ricchi if indietro turner - what desiderino che semper. Is sono anche più nulla che ancora un'idea, spero per loro già che, oltre ad essere sani e felici, nascano stesso con il mio desiderio di volare , e delle forti per farl food.
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